 |
| Sometimes I have to stop EVERYTHING... |
To hop a new track. Break free of the grid I'm playing on... The one I'm playing out. |
A logical mind, my greatest addiction.
Narrating the same stories,
Over and over
...and over.
Sometimes, everything in my wake is crashing...
But sometimes
MOST times
Things are "fine"
Maybe even "good"
...but I'm still falling apart inside.
Here, I ache and wander
Lost in stagnant waters,
FIXATING.
A loss,
A heartbreak,
A perpetual fear,
The disintegration of imagined control...
A longing.
Where nothing is left,
For me.
Of me.
A shell of who I once was.
How do I break through perpetuity?
How do I get to the other side
Of nothing?
When life stops moving, touching, inspiring...
When forward feels like downward,
And upward feels like drowning...
All I can know for sure,
A crumbling is imminent –
And I won't stay numb to the wreckage.
Or I'll die here.
And it might not be quick.
Anesthetize or Dismantle
Every choice,
Its own cycle.
Death.
Life.
Passing on.
Moving toward.
Where there's memory,
There is strategy.
And I've been here before.
I have years of data collection,
User errors,
Well-tracked systems.
I forget to remember.
But here I am again,
Steeped in the knowing...
For exactly what I need:
21 days.
Gone.
Out of the country.
Out of routines.
Out of obligatory tasks that have lost my choosing.
I need the deep dive into unknown worlds...
Of plant medicine
Of other cultures
Of less fluffy comforts.
Most of all...
I need sanctuary,
To not turn around,
To keep walking across the shaking bridge.
If I want what I want (and I do)
I am leaping from track #3 to #12.
Fuck #4-11...
I am all dimensions.
I am all timelines.
I am the medicine.
It doesn't matter how it happens
Or what it takes,
I leave everything behind.
21 days.
Breaking down...
A habit,
Incessant thought process.
A way of living,
Seeing,
Moving ––
That's burning me alive.
The threat IS imminent,
My body knows.
I cry mercy.
No, that's not it...
I cry Grace.
Take me AWAY,
So I remember what HERE means.
Where life starts again and again.
21 days.
I stop:
Working out,
Working on,
Planning across daily grids.
I unplug:
Wifi,
Calls,
Clients.
I release:
Knowing my meals.
Knowing what time it is.
Knowing where I'm going when I get back.
I step into:
An uncomfortable descent into No Plan.
Shedding. Molting. Dying off...
Into nothing.
A deep, gaping space
I tear myself open.
Into the gray matter.
Unclenched from what I love to control...
Renaturing.
To what I love.
21 Days.
One more cycle completes.
A light pierces my heart open
And life,
She pulls to me.
